More Proof Celebrities Aren’t Like the Rest of Us

She's A Maineiac

photo: Getty Images photo: Getty Images

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have decided to “consciously uncouple” after 10 years of habitual coupling. Naturally, they’ve received a lot of flak concerning the hoity-toity New Age phrase they used to describe their divorce.

Personally, I totally dig the words they chose. It means they’re taking the more positive route, keeping things amicable.  It almost makes something that can be utterly devastating seem so….harmless, soft and fuzzy.

So I’ve decided to rename some things in my life:

Conscious Uncoupling = divorce

Unconscious Coupling = marriage

Cosmic Molecular Aligning = falling in love

Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = sex

Regrettable Mutual Bodily Fluid Exchanging = one night stand

Regrettable Noxious Fumes Releasing = farting

Perpetual Oxygen/Carbon Dioxide Gas Exchanging = living

Life Form Liberating = childbirth

Earth Plane Entity Separating = death

Soul Modifying = death

Unconscious Unliving = death

Involuntary Career Exterminating = unemployment

Monetary Funds Relieving = paying bills

Nutritional Self-Sabotaging = diets


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